KELEIDOSCOPE

Again… I am NOT a relationship expert…

However, I think I’ve been blessed with a 6th sense in understanding how to speak womanese, and how to decode the communication matrix between men and women but I am by far no expert. If you’ve already read Sex Language Pt. 1 then you already know where this is going. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m the guy who most of my peoplez come to for answers. I’m in the process of talking with a few of your favorite magazines, radio stations and blogs to launch a syndicated Forum which will be entertaining, hilarious and informative all at the same time. It’ll allow people to share their real life stories and then I’ll answer in an “If it were me…” type fashion. But we’ll deal with that later on… FOR NOW!!!! I want to answer one question. It’s a question I mostly get asked by women but about 30% of the time, men do ask me too. The question is… “What does it mean when they say…

Scenario #1- Guy and Girl start talking online. They look through each other’s pics and like what they see (at least enough to continue talking). They, eventually get to the level of exchanging phone numbers and/or e-mails and/or blackberry pins etc… The female has over 30 pics of herself in her facebook albums that the gentleman has already seen yet he still sends her a text that reads… “Hey, send me a pic of yourself right now.” She replies with, “You’ve already seen me on facebook.” Let’s stop right here…

Translation- All of your pics on FB were from the shoulders up OR with you standing behind something OR they’re clearly from a few years ago because you’re backstage with Petey Pablo so… I need to know what you look like RIGHT NOW so if/when we meet in person, I’m not surprised by anything “extra” you might have going on.

Scenario #2- A Dude says, “I’m not looking for a relationship.“

Translation- He means it. I don’t care what his actions show you, or how he makes you feel, or what else he may or may not be saying, unless he says the words, “I wasn’t before but now I want to be in a relationship” He DOES NOT want to be in a relationship and/or have a title and/or be committed to any one individual.

Scenario #3- A Female says, “I’m not looking for a relationship.“

Translation- She’s lying. LoL! Ok, Ok… She might really mean that but 8.7 out of 10 times she doesn’t really mean that. Women know that men don’t want to have “commitment” talk on the first date so it’s smart for her to seem like she’s just window shopping and browsing so she doesn’t scare the fella off. If she’s in a transition in her life (ie career, school, major choices, just got out of a relationship, etc…) then she really might not be looking for a relationship right now but in MOST cases, when she says, “I’m not looking” she really is. Ladies, y’all can try to debate that all you want!

Scenario #4- Guy and Gal are out eating. The guy eats with his mouth open and/or smacks his gums when he eats. Female slaps him on the hand gently while smiling and says, “That food might escape while you’re chewing, you better close your mouth and make sure it doesn’t, Ha Ha Ha!“

Translation- If we do indeed get in a relationship, this WILL eventually be an argument. Get control over your table manners and your mouF mechanics NOW because no person who I call my man will behave in that manner. I’m being nice about it now, but I won’t forever.

Scenario #5- Do you think I look chubby in this? Or do you think I should wear the Red or the Blue shoes?

Ya know what… I’mma leave this one alone for right now…

Scenario #6- The guy tells the woman, “I Love You.“

Ok, this is an intricate one…

Translation- A- I know that telling you this is gonna make you eat it up and allow me to get something that I want OR B- I really do love you but loving you does not mean that I want to be with you.

Side Bar- In the Greek Language, there are different words for love. AGAPE- Is the type of love that God has for us and us for God. EROS- Is an erotic/sexual love that a man would have for his woman and vice versa. PHILIA or PHILEO- Is a friendship love or a Brotherly Love (Hence the city of Brotherly Love, Philadelphia). STORGE- Is an affectionate love like Eros but more along the lines of what a Parent has for their child. The Greek philosopher, Plato, even said that it is possible to love a person for who they are but without being physically attracted and that’s where we get the term, PLATOnic love.

With that being said, I might be at the point that I appreciate the person that you are so much, and care for you so much that I do love you and want to express it but due to the limits of the english language, I only have one word to use… and that word is LOVE. So when I say I love you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should think that I am now going to make attempts to be in a relationship with you. It doesn’t mean that you should run back to your girlfriends and blow up the situation into what you hope it means. Now, we can definitely have a conversation about what I mean when I say “I love you” but don’t assume.

Scenario #7- The female asks the male out a few times and he almost never accepts OR he’s always busy OR he never asks her out.

Translation- He just not that into you. Maybe he was at one point. Maybe he just liked the idea of you at one point in time but now he doesn’t. Maybe you ended up being something different from what he expected. Maybe he viewed you as just a jump off at one point and now he sees that you’re worth a lot more but he’s not ready for “a lot more” so he’s falling back. Maybe you are the jumpoff he expected you to be and you gave him a “Package” (<~ click for definition) already so he’s done here. Regardless of the reason, if he is not making it abundantly clear that you are a part of his priorities then it is what it is. Your optimism and fantasy and aggressiveness might end up being a turn off or annoying to him. *Jamaican accent… JUS LEFF IT NUH!

Scenario #8- A guy and a girl are dating. They go on maybe one or two dates. Somewhere in there she meets some of his friends and family and starts calling his male friends “Bro” and his female friends “Sis.” The guy then notices that she has befriended them all on Facebook and Twitter and asking for Blackberry Pins and all that jazz. And please know, that this can and does happen the other way around…

Translation- When a female does is too soon, she’s flat out making herself at home and for whatever reason, she feels like your relationship is headed in that direction. And if it doesn’t work out, at least she will have HIS family as part of her cheering squad OR… The chick is just flat out crazy. When a guy does this too soon, he most likely is trying to win some type of popularity contest as weird as that sounds. There’s a slim chance that he does want to be with you and he’s making himself at home but most likely, that’s not the case and is just feeding his desire to be liked by them all regardless of what happens between you and him.

Scenario #9- A “good morning” and/or “good night” text… on a consistent or semi consistent basis.

Translation- I’m definitely digging you. It may not be to the point of wanting to exchange bodily fluids but I’m feeling you.

Matter of fact…. I’ll do it.

Scenario #5- Do you think I look chubby in this? Or do you think I should wear the Red or the Blue shoes?

I’m not really going to give a “translation” per se’ but I will give my opinion on how to answer this.

Do not be BRUTALLY honest. Be honest but not brutally. If she’s asking this, it’s because A- She already knows she looks fat, so she doesn’t need you to confirm it OR B- She is on the fence about how she thinks she looks in that outfit and would like for you to provide the security and confidence that she might be missing. So gently steer her towards another suggestion. The way to do that “gently” depends on the woman so there’s no general way on how to do that but you can’t give your opinion without offering an attractive suggestion. I’d say to keep a mental picture of the 3 or 4 outfits that you love her in and when this type of thing comes up, you’ll already have a solid place to take the conversation. You can’t really lose by watching her look annoyed in the mirror… walking up behind her… touching her affectionately and cutting her off before she even asks a “fat” question with, “Babe, I think that outfit is cute but I really like the XYZ on you, it makes your skin tone look delicious” followed by acollar-bone kiss. Even if she doesn’t like your suggestion, more times than not it will take you away from the “fat” arena and towards another outfit. And after you dodge that bullet, you make your business sometime in the near future to somehow suggest working out, lol!

And as far as the shoes goes, If she asks Red or Blue and you suggest Blue, please know that she may still very well choose the Red ones. Know this in advance so you won’t even get annoyed by it. “Well, if you know you like the Red ones why ask for my opinion?” Is the question that will NOT get answered in a way that is satisfying to you so don’t even ask it, my brother. You’re just gonna have to swallow situations like this. The more you swallow them, the less they’ll bother you. And yes ladies… we know, we know… this can happen the other way around too, yes, we know. But typically, we know the way this type of scenario goes hence the analogy.

Scenario #10- Nah, I’ll stop here… I did my part. I always do my part… Do yours… It pains me that some of you still don’t have Salon Stories, on which I touch on topics like this in between the music, smh… DO THAT!!! Pick just one song or avail yourself to the whole album. You’ll be Blessed by it, Trust Me! It’s on itunes, or rhapsody OR have a hard copy with artwork and track listing and photos delivered to you via Amazon. It’s up to you.

Whether you do or don’t, I still need that feedback, people!!! C’mon, you know how we do!! LoL

-Kel Spencer