KELEIDOSCOPE

I’m going away for the next few days and won’t have internet access. As I was praying this morning, I was moved to share this publicly and I hope that none of you mind, and that this isn’t offensive to any one. This might take a while but ummm…

Dear God…  First off, I want to thank you for breathing the breath of life into my nostrils this morning. You waking me up, lets me know that there is more that you want to do with me, and for me. I struggle, Father. As you know. In the world that I live in, and the career path that I’ve chosen, I struggle with certain things…

Your word states that “The LOVE of money is the root of all evil.” However, in my line of work, Money is often worshipped and chased after more than you are, Abba. Am I guilty of idolatry for ever placing my desire for money over my desire for you? Of Course I am. But I thank you that you have given me grace and allowed me the time and experiences to change my perspective on money. Of course I’m not perfect in that regard but I thank you.

You ask that we not partake in sexual impurities. I happen to have a large male following but an equally large female influence. Furthermore, As you already know Abba, I come from a past of extensive sexual promiscuity. There was a time when I had to feed a certain sexual hunger that I had. From being an honored athlete to crossing over into music and being in the company of popular and influential people, and traveling the world in the process, I have been exposed to women of many attributes and violated your sexual standard with them to a number and amount that I am almost disgusted with. You and I have had countless talks, some of them on my knees in hotel bathroom floors. I am thankful that I am no longer that guy. I am thankful that even in the midst of what I encounter with women daily, I’m on the winning side in my fight for sexual purity. Of course there is still a struggle in that area but, I thank you for your grace and mercies.

You ask that we love thy neighbor but in my career path and lifestyle, that love is hardly shown, by thy neighbor in return, unless there’s something in it for them. I find myself lending advice, Praying for/with people (some of which I don’t know or have never met), and doing random charities. But I do struggle with giving at times. I don’t ask for extra credit points for any of that because those are our basic responsibilities so I show love as much and as hard as I can. But I am guilty of feeling like because I give and show love that I should receive a certain amount of love and giving in return and that’s wrong. Because you love a cheerful giver, we should give just because. But I thank you for our forgiveness.

You ask that we focus, be faithful and be fruitful. I’ll admit, it is difficult at times to focus on a goal and be faithful while someone else, who may not be as deserving, ends up getting the fruit. And yes, I know that it is also wrong and maybe even judgmental for me to feel that I’m more deserving of something than someone else and for that I apologize as well. My mind should be more focused on you and on my “To Do” list than how someone else is being rewarded. I confess that and I ask for your forgiveness.

I just want to be better, Father. I know that there are people who love me. I know that there are people who dislike me. But I want to be the same person to them both. I don’t want to be made up or a character because of the line of work that I’m in. Even though, I know that being open and honest hurts me to a certain degree (In regards to my career). I thank you for blessing me with a Great biological Father and for blessing us all as with your Word. Together they have given me two excellent reference points on how to be a Real Man. I never want to be preachy because I personally think that’s corny, Father. But with everything I write, everything I record, everything I create, and everything I share, I want to become that same type of reference point to those younger than me, to my peers, and even to those my senior. Why? because before you are anything else you are Elohim, God the creator and you’ve blessed us with creative ability. So when I create, I truly want it to be an act of Godliness and spirituality and not just a means to get a buck. However, I will not think it robbery to create wealth at the same time. Again, I know this mind frame will make certain people not want to associate with me, and that’s fine. Maybe in time, they too will be comfortable enough with themselves if they aren’t already. But basically, Father… I appreciate all that you’ve done, all that you’re doing, and all that you will do. And I ask these things and ALL things in JESUS’ name. תודה לך, אבא

I know that sharing something like this publicly is a bit left considering where I’m from and what I do. Doing something like this doesn’t fit the “typical” image and might even come across as weird or maybe even lame or weak. But, I’m secure enough in my skin to look past the adjectives that may come from my nay-sayers and focus more on any positivity that can come of this posting, any change that may come, and on being obedient to what moved me to post it. I’m not really moved to say much more and I really don’t know what else to type…

-Kel Spencer