KELEIDOSCOPE

Slowdown… Cool your jets. It’s not what you’re thinking. But it is a simple yet complex procedure…

What they do is… They place the heart into a regular, consistent, stable condition. They allow the heart to grow and maintain a routine heart rate along with being fed a certain amount of oxygen and nutrients over time. Just when the heart is in a rhythmic pattern and is “used to” it’s stable condition, they then shock the heart by removing all of the nutrients and heart-food that it’s used to, causing the heart to go into a arrest and to stand alone in a stupor… almost abandoned and desolate while still be attached to the body. They pretty much remove my heart without removing my heart, if that makes any sense. The process can take months or years but it’s the shock that is the most jarring and significant part of the process. Some of you may have undergone this procedure. Some of you may be putting someone through this procedure without even knowing it. Some of you may know good and well that you’re putting someone through this procedure and not even care. The procedure is called… Kid-Kardio-Post-Divorce-Trauma.

Have you ever pulled the nipple from a baby’s mouth in the middle of them eating, and then fiddled with the nipple on their lips as a joke? Of course they try their best to move their mouth towards the nipple in every direction that you move it but in a few seconds, they start to cry out of frustration…

Or what about when you pull up the weeds in your backyard. You pull at the heads of the weeds, only to learn that they are strongly connected to the roots underground. You then bend lower and lower and pull harder and harder to uproot and disconnect the plant from its root until they are completely severed…

Oh, wait! What about when you are told that it’s time for you to transfer to a new department on your job or that it’s time to relocate OR that you’re fired! Remember how that felt? Remember what it was like to be removed from a situation that you were used to? From a situation that you’ve come to know… From a situation that fed you, and allowed you to form a bond and even an identity alongside only to have it removed from you, and you removed from it in shock?

That’s what happens to children as a result of divorce… or break up or split or any other synonym of said notion. It tears children apart. It tore me apart… and my parents got divorced when I was 21!!! We need to pay better attention, people. We need to pay more attention to A- The people we choose to enter relationships with and B- The relationship itself once it’s established. I can’t judge anyone who has had a major break up with children involved, I’m not perfect. Besides, I don’t have even time nor energy to do God’s job. But what I can do is point out the fact that each of us can name at least 3 people we know who are in relationships that are destined for disaster. Some of these relationships may have children involved and some may not but it’s just unfortunate that the effect that these breakups have on children is never really addressed.

Drugs, Alcohol, Rape, Physical Disabilities, Gambling, Sex Addictions, etc… All have rehab and treatment centers. I have yet to see a place to go that can help a person deal with having their roots ripped from them or how to deal with being fired from a position through no fault of their own. I’mma keep it all the way tall with you, I’ve dealt with identity issues, insecurity, anger, depression and a few other things as a result of my parents’ divorce and this is all as an adult! I couldn’t fathom having to deal with that as a child. And some may say, “Well, at least you had the experience of having 2 parents. I never knew my dad or I never knew my parents at all.” And that may be true for you in your situation but I can only live what I know firsthand. And in my experience personally, along with what I see going on in relationships around me and even in the media, we all need to take a better look at what both dating and marriage are supposed to mean.

Dating is not just a phase of feelings. It’s not “New Coochie” time. It’s supposed to be that time where you’re making an honest effort to match that person up with the person who you’ve come to know in yourself. Matching and lining each other up should be a brutally honest process over time while also enjoying each other’s company and feeling all the butterflies and such. By the time marriage or moving in together or having children comes into the picture, the question should be asked, “Can I love this person in Spirit, Body, and in Truth and take them just the way they are for the rest of my life?” If that answer is “No” or “I’m not sure” then some changes need to be made in that relationship. “But KS, I’ve seen relationships where the other person just flipped and turned into a totally different person.” In most cases that is false. If you were paying enough of the right type of attention, rather than being caught up in the drawz, you’d be able to see the seeds of what type of fruit they might eventually blossom into. And in the rare cases where they did totally flip, perhaps it’s you that’s a contributing to factor to this change in them. “But KS, He cheated on me” or “I refuse to give my life to a person who is beating on me.” Well it’s pretty obvious that I’m not talking about those types of situations. I’m talking about the I’m just not feeling this relationship anymore type of situations.

I know I’m venting but I woke up this morning a little frustrated and even angry at some of the choices that I’ve made. Why? Because these choices have affected my current lifestyle and these choices were rooted in where I was mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and even creatively and socially, a few years ago as a result of a divorce. Of course I can’t blame the divorce, I can only blame myself because ultimately I made those choices.

But I urge you all, if you or someone you know is going through a major breakup, especially if there are children involved, pray HARD for them and if they give you some space to speak into their situation, pray WITH them and suggest that they seek a preventative measure that might save their relationship. Children need families. Families need families. Our world needs families. I want adults to make sure that their relationship mistakes and oversights don’t become the cause of children having to endure the results. I just want to minimize the possibility of anyone else having to have the same heart surgery that I had. It’s not fun.

-Kel Spencer