Meet the Parents like a mug… lol
So… First off, I wanna thank you all for the Birthday wishes!!! Damn it feels good to be a gangsta… LoL! Yeah right… Ok so…
I’ve had a situation fall into my lap that I want your feedback on. Let’s just say you’re dating someone who is all that you want them to be, and it looks like it could end up being a Great Relationship. You visit eachother’s homes, you hang out, you hang in, and all that good stuff. You go to their house one day and one of their parents is there… The parent walks past you and doesn’t speak at all… How do you handle that?
Or let’s say, the parent speaks sometimes and not others… Yet, the parent is open and warm with everyone else but you, How do you handle that? Do you laugh it off and ignore them?
Keep in mind, you’re a decent person. You’re not a threat to society. You don’t bring bad energy around. You wear clean socks and the whole deal but this person is doing things that could possibly drive a wedge in the relationship with you and your significant other, and you seem to be the only one that notices… Or at least the only one who it seems to matter to.
Or let’s say, your significant other’s relative does things like… Come to an area of the house where only you and your mate are, and they speak to ONLY your mate (Not you) and then keep it moving. How would you handle that? Do you look to your mate to dissolve the obvious?
Or what if the reverse happened and it was your relative who was overtly rude to the person you’re dating, What would you do? Would you speak to the relative on behalf of your mate or maybe let your mate know that the person isn’t even worth speaking to and tell your mate to just pay the relative no attention?
Or maybe the rude relative has a perfectly good reason for being rude to your mate… But you just don’t feel uncomfortable telling your mate the reason why the rude relative is being the rude relative to them. Then what??
What about things like a future family… What if your mate didn’t want your rude relative around in the future. That might cause a bit of a separation in your family if your rude relative isn’t allowed at certain events… but is your mate wrong for that? Would you let it get that far? What would you do?
I find these types of scenarios interesting and I have my opinion but I would love to know what most of you think. And I’m almost sure a great deal of you have been and/or are in a situation like this so please share, lol!!
Also, If you’ll be in the NYC area in Mid January and would like to attend the soon coming FREE shoot/show, (Read my last post entitled What is #FPBK for details) please send a quick e-mail to 3HirdPowerEvents@gmail.com with “#FPBK Show/Shoot” as the title and info will be sent to you soon. In supporting this movement, you are indeed supporting me but more importantly, you’re supporting yourself…
But like I said… Gimme your feedback, folks!
-Kel Spencer
Subscribe for FREE over there, under “Keep In Touch…“ Follow Me on Twitter @KelSpencer Join Me on Facebook, Youtube & Centric TV God’s Favorite Emcee, Warrior Poet, Pen.Man, Satan Hater, Ice cream Lover, Quarterback of The Urban Experience & chicks dig me too…
It really is the place of the mate to address his or her relative. If it’s unjustified rudeness and such, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that Rude Relative not be apart of future family gatherings and events. If you and your mate are happy and plan to have a future, there is NO reason you should have to feel uncomfortable and targeted in your own home, or anywhere.
If you and Rude Relative have a past, it might be wise to inform your mate prior to having him/her address Rude Relative.
However, some families are so tight that you’re the new person, you don’t “have to be here”. I’ve witnessed this, too. Some think it’s wrong to choose mate over family or vice versa. It all depends on the situation.
If I was madly in love with my mate, and he treated me well and we were going to jump the broom- I’m not putting him in a situation where he doesn’t feel welcome. I’m not going to allow RR to insult him, or our relationship by treating him poorly. Mate isn’t going anywhere, so RR is going to have to get used to him, get with the program or make scarce.
If Mate and I weren’t that serious, or if Mate and I weren’t that healthy, I’d be more willing to hear from RR why such animosity. But that’s not to say I’d automatically kick Mate to the curb.
Hmmm, I live by.. Treat others how you want to be treated… I figure if my mate was ignoring or not noticing his parent’s actions towards me, I would mention it.. but I would not expect my mate to be able to resolve it.. Reason why is because I feel that I would be putting my mate in a situation that would cause ill feelings between the family, which I would not want to be the cause of.. I think eventually my mate’s parent/s will come around to mentioning what the problem is, then we can try to resolve it, or better yet, the parent/s might just come around to warming up to me.. Some parents might not be happy with their children’s decisions on who they chose to date… but i think eventually they come around..(If your mate is a true mate) “Us parents sorta have a sixth sense when it comes to reading our children’s mate’s intensions” I would still be cordial regardless of what response or actions I get, out of respect for my mate.. Now if a year or two goes by and I still get the same reaction, I would assume that the problem cannot be resolved, and this might be more than just a problem with me… I will have to figure out another solution..
I think your response to the rude relative depends on how important it is to your beau. If the opinion and presence of her relatives is important then it needs to be addressed. If it’s not an issue then disregard.
It is the mates responsibility… however… I don’ really think I would let it bother me… put it this way… I NEVER LET IT BOTHER ME… when I was in 1st grade, I came hom crying cause some girls were mean to me @ school…u kno what my moms said? “SO WHAT?!?! NOT EVERYONE IS GONNA LIKE U, NOR DO THEY HAVE TO…BUT I DO, AND I CLOTH U, FEED U, AND MK SURE UR OK SO THAT’S WHAT’S IMPORTANT” realest ish she ever told me quite frankly…. I’m not saying it’s tha same or that that negativity isn’t draining and just plain damn annoying but DON’T STOP LIVING UR LIFE FOR NEGATIVE PPL… I like to TRY to follow Jesus’s example as much as I can… He was on a mission and who didn’t like him…which was a lot of folks I might add…wasn’t on His list of priorities… I say keep it pushin’
Kel, is this about you or just curiosity about certain what-if scenarios? I guess it’s the first one like the posters above me.
Now I can only give you an example of how I would deal with it, but keep in mind that I’m a girl from Amsterdam, so I’m very direct, just like New Yorkers are I’ve heard.
Also I’m a trained counselor, and I work with people all day long. In cases like this it’s hard to keep my professional side and my personal side separate.
So what I would do, being Tanja, I’d simply address it. If I felt ignored, I’d first of all observe, then try to make a little chit chat, and while that person warmed up to me I’d throw it in that I feel it seems like he or she is uncomfortable with me being there. Immediately following up with: excuse me if I see that wrong, maybe it’s just my feelings, but I would like to know if there is something I can do to make the situation more pleasant for all of us.
Use “I-messages”, never say “You ignore me” or “You don’t like me”, as you put them into defense with that. You don’t want that other person to freak out.
I’m not someone for confrontation or arguments, but I will not put up with BS either. Yes I will let them know that I do not like behavior like this, but I would use all my charm, my big smile, while doing so. People will usually back off when you confront them like that, and say “sorry I didn’t mean it this way, bla bla”. My sweet revenge
And as far as my other half, you bet I’d talk to him about it.
Kel, getting into a situation like that, is also about attitude.
Don’t ever give someone the right and the chance to treat you disrespectfully. Always believe in yourself, as you are an awesome person. Straighten your shoulders, look others in the eye. And act like you can handle yourself in any situation.
This is the number one key I give to all my clients, that they deserve to be treated with respect and that they are worth it.
Now imagine this, you already made it to the family part, I haven’t been there in quite a while, so you’re many points ahead of me. Enjoy!
I think it is important to have open communication when something is making someone uncomfortable. At some point it’s going to blow up when people are unprepared for that moment. So its best to try and handle the situation and face it expecting to. Things like cutting people out is something most people tend to regret after that person dies. Learning to talk for to people that are obligated to be around (i.e. -family) it is best to communicate no matter what. Timing however is important. Selfishness get us nowhere in life at the end of the day… Love is important!
It’s your mate’s responsibility to go to bat for you. It’s sweet and nice for someone to say “I love you”, “I miss you” and what have you but it’s necessary to make your partner feel like they don’t always have to fight their own battles.
Having said that I’d address said rude person. Why? Well, if my mate had to confront rude relative that would undoubtedly compound the problem. If I ignored the issue, that’s telling my partner that I’ve got no concern for their comfort. To let the situation linger is to let my mate fester which will eventually spill over into our dealings with each other.
Just an opinion from a lil brown girl…what do I know?
How about the two of you go and ask that person or parent What’s Up and why all the ATTITUDE? If they choose not to talk about it. Let it ride as long as they don’t get out of hand with it. Sometimes you just got to let it go and in hope things will work out sooner or later. But if you see a no GO and they continue with all that ATTITUDE, SPEAK YOUR PEACE, SMILE AND STAY AWAY FROM THEM. LIFE IS TO SHORT TO KISS BUTT. Some folks got issues with themselves and ain’t nothing you can do about it. Hey I think sooner or later we all will meet these type of folks and you got to be the bigger person and keep it moving…Just my opinion!!!
Hey Kel,
If your mate, partner, whatever is a stand up individual
they will take that rude person aside and ask them-nearly demand for them to show some respect. Here’s the ugly truth; your blood or friends supposedly love you-THAT should also be demonstrated in how they treat people YOU love or care about. If THEY are having love issues, then you and your mate should leave them to work it out on their own-if not willing to settle it with you or to show respect. This kind of behavior should not
be tolerated. Straight up!
Been there done that….It’s all about respect! I don’t care what the reason is for the family member to be rude, they should always aknowledge you and show respect. It’s up to your mate to set his/her family member straight and let them know the he/she will not tolerate their blatant disrespect. If it is not handle, yes, it will cause friction. My situation got to the point where I said if the family member can’t respect me, especially in my home/our home/my mate’s home…then I don’t want them around period because I respect everyone, even those I don’t particularly care for.
I believe that whomever the rude relative belongs to should be the one to address that person. Just because they may recieve what person has to say and it is less likely to lead to a bad confrontation. If they are justified, then all the three of you need to talk (maybe they need to hear out of your own mouth that you’ve changed/made up/it was a one time occurance/etc.). Sometimes a relative needs to hear from the one they are related to that “This is my man/woman and I need you to respect my choice in a mate.” I wouldn’t go as far as to not invite them to stuff unless they’re THOROUGHLY DISRESPECTFUL. No one who really loves you is going to stay wrong long.
It depends on who the RR is… Is it immediate family (parental units & siblings)?
I believe that everything that happens is a “flag” (not necessarily red) giving you a “heads up” about challenges that may lie ahead. Before I start confronting anyone or suggesting that my significant other do or say something, I would pay close attention and see how that particular relationship develops between RR and me. Good luck!
Honestly, if I were in this situation, I would mention it to my mate. If he thought I was being paranoid or didn’t see the parents’ behavior as unusual then I would have to help them see it as a means of trying to resolve the issue. Whenever I was at my mates house and the parent walks in the room, I would make an effort to communicate and connect with the parent. I would try to engage them in general conversation. When no response is received, my mate will not be able to say they didn’t see it at this point. I would then let my mate know how important they are to me, and that it their parents acceptance of me is important and ask if their is anything that can be done to earn that acceptance. A lot is going to have to depend on how important this person is to you. If they don’t want to help the situation it will tell you how important you are to them. Unless family isn’t very important to them.
If I was treated poorly by my mates relatives for no particular reason then I would observe how my mate reacts to the situation. If my mate ignores or doesn’t feel the need to address the disrespectful antics then I would seriously reconsider our relationship. Because if you dig me enough to bring me around your family, then you should have enough respect for yourself to not let anyone disrespect our relationship… especially in your own home!! If my mate is oblivious to the antics then I would bring it to his attention and ask him to address the issue. If my mate’s relatives has any respect and love for him then hopefully the relative will back off…for respect sake.
Now if anyone of my family members treated my mate poorly, then I would address my family to find out whats wrong and ask them to respect me and my relationship by being polite when I bring him around. They necessarily don’t have to like him but I would make sure that our relationship is respected.
I have zero tolerance for rudeness.
Happy Belated Birthday, Kel!
In one of the episodes of “Housewives of Atlanta”, a similar situation happen to
one of the castmates. A mother was the “rude relative” and felt if though she had good reasons to not like her daughter’s fiancee. Thank God she made amends with the fiancee before his untimely death.
If this were happening to me
I would speak whenever I would see the “rude relative”. Secondly, I would
have a conversation with my significant other expressing my true feelings
about the rude relative. Hopefully we would reach an understanding which would allow me to approach the relative at a convenient time. I would politely talk
to the relative and say exactly what I have observed. I would ask if he/she
has a problem with me or if I have offended in any way. That should take care of the situation, unless you are dealing with a nuttjob.
****Enjoyed the video of you and your brother on Youtube. You guys are funny!
Thanks!